Things not to do at Your Thesis Defense

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1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."
2. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
3. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
4. Stage your own death/suicide.
5. Lead the specators in a Wave.
6. Have a sing-a-long.
7. "You call that a question? How did they make you a professor?"
8. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.
9. Puppet show.
10. Group prayer.
11. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
12. Mime.
13. Hold a Tupperware party.
14. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
15. Charge a cover and check for ID.
16. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
17. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
18. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
19. Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
20. Door prizes and a raffle.
21. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
22. Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
23. Whine piteously, beg, cry...
24. Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin.
25. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
26. Fashion show.
27. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
28. Pass the collection basket.
29. Two-drink minimum.
30. Black tie only.
31. Incite a revolt.
32. Release a flock of doves.
33. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
34. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
35. "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
36. Bring your pet boa.
37. Tell ghost stories.
38. Do a "show and tell".
39. Food fight.
40. Challenge a professor to a duel.
    
41. Halftime show.
42. "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
43. "OK - which one of you farted?"
44. Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
45. Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
46. "Tag - you're it!"
47. Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
48. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
49. Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - before your defense happens.
50. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.
51. Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
52. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
53. "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
54. Tap dance.
55. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'Simon says any questions?' You're out."
56. Flex and show off those massive pecs.
57. Dress in top hat and tails.
58. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.
59. Detonate a small nuclear device in the room or threaten to.
60. Shadow puppets.
61. Show slides of your last vacation.
62. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
63. Have everyone pose for a group photo.
64. Laugh maniacally.
65. Start speaking in tongues.
66. Explode.
67. Implode.
68. Spontaneously combust.
69. Answer every question with a question.
70. Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
71. "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."
72. Hand out 3-D glasses.
73. Go into labor.
    
74. Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.
75. "I don't know - I didn't write this."
76. Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
77. Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.
78. Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.
79. "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you."
80. Hide.
81. Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-cracks?"
82. Same as the last one, except use real bullets.
83. "Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
84. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.
85. Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".
86. Play Thesis Mad Libs.
87. Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")
88. Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
89. Mosh pit.
90. Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
91. Claim political asylum.
92. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"
93. Use a TelePromTer
94. "Take my husband - please!"
95. Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
96. Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis, or your advisor.
97. Offer a toast.
98. Firewalk
99. Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.
100. Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
101. Stand on the table.
102. "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I could have done..."

From http://people.msoe.edu/~taylor/humor/defense.htm, with edits by L. Granger.